Guilt, Shame, and Healing Your Relationship With Your Past Self
Episode 53 The Christian Life Coach Podcast
Many women are living under guilt that quietly became shame. Especially in roles that matter deeply like motherhood, marriage, caregiving, and calling. This post explores how guilt and shame differ, how fear keeps shame alive, and how biblical truth restores freedom.
Guilt vs Shame
Guilt focuses on behavior. Shame attacks identity. Guilt can lead to repentance and restoration. Shame leads to hiding, self punishment, and disconnection.
How Fear Turns Guilt Into Shame
Fear convinces you that the mistake defines you. That it is permanent. That it cannot be redeemed. This is where guilt becomes shame.
Judging Your Past Self
When you judge your past self by information she did not have, you are not being compassionate or truthful. Growth requires honesty and grace.
Romans 8 and Redemption
Scripture does not deny pain. It promises redemption. No condemnation. God working all things together for good.
How Shame Impacts Relationships
Shame keeps you guarded and emotionally unavailable. You cannot be fully present when you are secretly condemning yourself.
Conclusion
You are not disqualified. Your story is not finished. God redeems what we surrender. Freedom begins when shame is released.
Watch Here
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13:58:49 Welcome to the Christian Life Coach Podcast. I'm Shanna, your Christian Life Coach. I help women who feel overwhelmed, stretched thin,
13:58:58 or stuck in patterns that don't match the life, God created them for.
13:59:02 If you've ever felt that quiet tug, that sense that you were made for more than how you're living right now,
13:59:09 That's not your imagination.
13:59:11 That's your spirit craving alignment, peace, and purpose.
13:59:16 Here, we start with identity, because when you know who you are in Christ, you finally know how to show up.
13:59:23 We talk renewed thoughts,
13:59:25 Simple habits, emotional resilience,
13:59:28 And sustainable rhythms that help you stop surviving on scraps,
13:59:33 And start living with intention and courage.
13:59:35 Jesus said, you are salt and you are light.
13:59:39 That means you were created to live differently and shine from the inside out.
13:59:44 If you're ready to grow, to simplify, and to become the woman God designed you to be, you're in the right place.
13:59:51 Life coaching is life-changing.
13:59:54 One renewed thought at a time.
13:59:56 Let's do this together.
14:00:03 Welcome!
14:00:05 As we continue on in our series on relationships,
14:00:11 being that it is February 2026, if you're…
14:00:15 Here in real time, or near it.
14:00:19 So, in week one, we talked about…
14:00:23 your relationship with yourself.
14:00:25 Last week, we talked about how your beliefs
14:00:30 about others shapes your relationship with other people.
14:00:34 And I'm going back today…
14:00:37 To talk about an aspect of our relationship with ourselves,
14:00:43 that definitely impacts our current
14:00:49 Relationships.
14:00:52 And…
14:00:55 We're gonna… we're gonna get into some of the nitty-gritty here, something… we're gonna get into some things.
14:01:03 We're gonna talk about relationships,
14:01:08 guilt and shame.
14:01:10 And how we can restore
14:01:15 our relationship with ourself that has been impacted by
14:01:19 guilt, and maybe shame.
14:01:22 from the past.
14:01:26 Still about relationships.
14:01:29 And specifically about your relationship with yourself.
14:01:33 across time.
14:01:36 And how Guilt and shame can distort that relationship.
14:01:44 How you relate to your past self determines how free you are in the present.
14:01:51 I'll say that again. How you relate to your past self
14:01:57 determines how free
14:01:59 You are in the present.
14:02:03 And in your present relationship with yourself and your present relationship with other people.
14:02:11 We often…
14:02:14 women, moms…
14:02:18 have…
14:02:19 a lot of guilt. Guilt is common.
14:02:24 And…
14:02:27 guilt can often…
14:02:30 morph into shame.
14:02:32 Which is corrosive.
14:02:35 It destroys.
14:02:37 And many of us live under shame without even realizing it.
14:02:43 So, I'm going to talk about the difference. Guilt…
14:02:49 says, I did something wrong.
14:02:52 I wish I had done better.
14:02:55 I regret that decision, or I regret doing it that way.
14:03:03 Shame says…
14:03:05 There is something wrong with me.
14:03:08 I am a failure.
14:03:11 I am not who I should be.
14:03:16 I am wrong.
14:03:20 Guilt focuses on behavior.
14:03:22 And shame attacks your identity.
14:03:27 And guilt… guilt can lead to growth. Guilt…
14:03:32 can be conviction.
14:03:34 And it can lead to repentance.
14:03:37 It can lead to apologizing and restoration.
14:03:43 Shame?
14:03:45 Because shame indicates there is something wrong with us,
14:03:52 Shame leads to hiding…
14:03:55 Shame leads to self-punishment.
14:03:59 And ultimately, to disconnection.
14:04:06 And guilt can quietly…
14:04:09 turn into shame.
14:04:13 So, we make a mistake.
14:04:17 we regret something that we did or didn't do, or said, or didn't say.
14:04:22 And we feel guilt.
14:04:27 And regret.
14:04:29 We wish we hadn't done it that way.
14:04:32 And then… fear…
14:04:35 enters the picture.
14:04:39 And then…
14:04:41 with that fear added on top of it,
14:04:43 it becomes permanent, it becomes personal.
14:04:49 Fear says, What if this is who I am?
14:04:52 But if that's just the way I am?
14:04:56 What if this changes everything?
14:05:00 What if God is disappointed in me?
14:05:05 What if it can't be fixed? What if I can't be fixed?
14:05:11 Guilt turns into shame.
14:05:14 When fear convinces you that the mistake defines you.
14:05:18 When you identify…
14:05:21 as that mistake?
14:05:23 is when shame takes hold.
14:05:30 And shame.
14:05:32 Keeps you focused on yourself.
14:05:36 Instead of God.
14:05:39 And if we are so steeped in shame,
14:05:43 Grace might not feel accessible to us.
14:05:50 And…
14:05:52 Rather than…
14:05:54 Repenting…
14:05:57 we turn inward and we punish ourselves.
14:06:02 Shame does not come from God.
14:06:08 our identity is in Christ.
14:06:11 shame…
14:06:13 hides that true identity. It covers it up.
14:06:17 So, shame does not come from God.
14:06:21 Conviction…
14:06:25 Guilt?
14:06:27 as conviction leads you toward God.
14:06:31 Shame drives you away from him.
14:06:36 Romans 8 says, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
14:06:41 God is not condemning you.
14:06:45 Condemnation targets your identity.
14:06:48 And conviction.
14:06:51 Guilt invites change.
14:06:57 Repentance is changing direction.
14:07:00 you're going one way, you repent,
14:07:04 turn around, and you go the opposite way.
14:07:06 That's change.
14:07:09 Shame…
14:07:12 makes you believe that you are paying a debt that Christ has already paid. Jesus has already paid the price.
14:07:22 Shame makes you believe that you…
14:07:25 have a debt to pay.
14:07:28 Jesus already paid it.
14:07:33 Now here is…
14:07:36 an area.
14:07:39 that…
14:07:41 anybody that's a mom,
14:07:44 I would… I would venture to say pretty much anybody that's a mom has dealt with this on some level, and maybe you…
14:07:52 Maybe you are still in it.
14:07:55 And maybe it hasn't been addressed for you.
14:07:57 And…
14:08:00 I pray that if you're in this place at this episode,
14:08:05 really helps you to gain some awareness.
14:08:09 And, um…
14:08:12 lead you towards freedom from this.
14:08:18 mom guilt.
14:08:20 It's a common phrase, right? Mom guilt?
14:08:23 or common term.
14:08:24 Keeps you paying…
14:08:28 I'm sorry, mom guilt.
14:08:30 is a common gateway to shame.
14:08:35 And it can be… it's not just…
14:08:38 in the realm of being a mom, because there are a lot of people that are not moms, there are a lot of women who are not moms.
14:08:45 by choice or not.
14:08:48 And you… there are still… there are still things that you can… that this will help you to identify.
14:08:54 But specifically, um,
14:08:57 in the mom guilt realm.
14:09:04 this shows up.
14:09:06 So, parenting, being a mom, involves
14:09:11 constant decisions, making decisions under pressure,
14:09:16 And…
14:09:18 When you're in it, right? From… from the time that baby
14:09:22 comes out of the womb, or is handed over to you if you're adopted.
14:09:28 there are decisions to be made, under pressure,
14:09:32 time constraints.
14:09:35 the whole gamut.
14:09:37 And we often…
14:09:42 Replay…
14:09:44 Decisions that we made,
14:09:46 actions that we've taken,
14:09:48 Endlessly, over and over.
14:09:51 And over time, guilt…
14:09:54 thinking that we did it…
14:09:58 the wrong way, or we could have done it better.
14:10:02 Guilt shifts from, I wish I had done that differently, to, I failed as a mother.
14:10:07 I am a failure. I was… I'm a bad mom.
14:10:14 Shame says…
14:10:16 I ruined them.
14:10:19 I missed my chance. I wasn't enough.
14:10:24 And this can happen…
14:10:26 As a caregiver, it can happen in marriage, it can happen as a daughter, it can happen in your career.
14:10:37 Shame attaches itself to the roles that we care deeply about.
14:10:45 And here is Shane's favorite formula.
14:10:49 plain sight…
14:10:51 plus fear.
14:10:54 Equals shame.
14:10:57 So, hindsight…
14:11:00 We are looking back.
14:11:02 to the past, with the knowledge that we have right now.
14:11:10 We look back.
14:11:14 And fear…
14:11:18 accuses us.
14:11:23 We didn't live up to the standard.
14:11:25 We… we missed our chance.
14:11:27 We ruined them.
14:11:29 We didn't do it good enough.
14:11:33 If we only had…
14:11:36 It's too late.
14:11:42 You're judging your past self.
14:11:45 by information that she did not have.
14:11:51 When we hold our past self,
14:11:58 responsible.
14:11:59 For information that she did not have, but I have now, it's not fair.
14:12:04 That's not compassionate.
14:12:09 And here's what…
14:12:11 Because I… I ex… I…
14:12:16 I have experienced this a lot as a mom.
14:12:21 I can spiral down that…
14:12:26 Um, that abyss.
14:12:28 As quickly as anybody else.
14:12:32 And… I have decided that I do not hold my past self responsible.
14:12:40 or accountable to information that I did not have at the time.
14:12:46 And…
14:12:48 I believe…
14:12:52 Romans 8.28.
14:12:55 And so I choose to remind myself of Romans 8.28,
14:13:01 When I catch myself going down that spiral.
14:13:05 And Romans 8.28 says,
14:13:08 He is working all things together for the good of those who love him, and are called according to his purpose.
14:13:16 And… in my Bible, it says all things.
14:13:22 And I've said this so many times to people.
14:13:25 It means every single time I lost my ever-loving mind on my children and said things that I wished that I had not said,
14:13:36 or… all… whatever. All of the things.
14:13:40 All things.
14:13:42 are being worked together for the good of those who love him, and are called according to his purpose.
14:13:50 And it doesn't deny pain.
14:13:53 Like, I can be sad about it,
14:13:56 But I'm… I'm not going to judge myself for it.
14:14:01 I can wish that I had done things differently,
14:14:04 And also, I can't go back and change any of it.
14:14:08 I can only change.
14:14:10 how I think about it. I can only change
14:14:13 how I think about myself.
14:14:16 my past self.
14:14:18 with my current knowledge.
14:14:21 I can look back with compassion.
14:14:24 And see that mom.
14:14:26 that did the best that she could with what she had at the time.
14:14:31 that loved her kids more than anything, and would have done anything for them.
14:14:39 I can do that, because I know…
14:14:41 That God is working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, and there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
14:14:51 God is working. He is not finished.
14:14:57 And shame says that the damage is
14:14:59 permanent. This is just the way it is.
14:15:04 And Romans…
14:15:06 says that it's all being redeemed.
14:15:10 Shame says your story is over, and God says, I am not finished with you yet. He is still working.
14:15:18 What if God has already woven meaning and growth?
14:15:22 from what you are still condemning yourself for.
14:15:29 You could just decide right now,
14:15:33 I'm gonna trust that God is working that for His good, for my good, for their good.
14:15:39 I can just decide that.
14:15:41 And I might have to remind myself of it.
14:15:44 Over and over and over again.
14:15:47 But I'm deciding right now.
14:15:49 No more condemnation.
14:15:54 And shame doesn't just impact you.
14:16:02 And your relationship with yourself.
14:16:07 it… it impacts your current relationships.
14:16:11 If you…
14:16:16 are…
14:16:17 steeped in shame, it keeps you guarded.
14:16:21 It keeps you from being able to connect.
14:16:24 the way that you want to connect.
14:16:26 And you might not even realize that that's why.
14:16:29 It limits the joy that you get to experience.
14:16:33 It might make you overcompensate,
14:16:35 or withdraw. Avoid.
14:16:44 You cannot be fully present if you're secretly condemning yourself.
14:16:50 Shame drains your emotional availability.
14:16:55 It isolates you.
14:16:57 From yourself,
14:16:59 From other people and from God. Shame isolates.
14:17:07 And…
14:17:12 You don't have to stay there. You can release
14:17:16 the shame.
14:17:20 Fear fuels shame.
14:17:25 And love dissolves it.
14:17:29 Perfect love casts out fear.
14:17:34 Love restores your identity.
14:17:37 You are a child of God, you are made in His image, you are fully loved, you are fully known.
14:17:45 redeemed…
14:17:47 If you are a believer in Christ,
14:17:51 You are justified.
14:17:54 You are co-heir with Christ,
14:17:57 You have been clothed in His righteousness.
14:18:03 Love allows you to see your humanity without condemnation.
14:18:09 And love, trust God,
14:18:12 with what you cannot undo.
14:18:16 You can't change the past.
14:18:19 But you can trust God.
14:18:21 to redeem it.
14:18:27 We don't have to deny the past.
14:18:32 And we can trust that God redeems it.
14:18:40 You can choose.
14:18:42 a new…
14:18:45 relationship with yourself.
14:18:47 Ask yourself, how am I speaking to my past self? When you think about that mom,
14:18:56 at that hard time.
14:18:59 What are you thinking about her? What are you telling yourself about her?
14:19:04 Are you operating in guilt?
14:19:07 Are you stuck in shame?
14:19:11 And either way,
14:19:14 There's there now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
14:19:18 And he is working all things.
14:19:21 What would it look like to treat myself with the same grace that God
14:19:27 offers me.
14:19:30 You can release
14:19:32 that self-punishment. You can accept
14:19:36 redemption.
14:19:38 And you can step into the present.
14:19:42 fully, without…
14:19:44 that shame attached to you.
14:19:49 You are not disqualified.
14:19:51 Your story is not finished.
14:19:55 And God redeems what we surrender.
14:20:00 And I believe that God is asking you, inviting you to walk in love.
14:20:08 I would encourage you to spend some time.
14:20:10 journal out.
14:20:13 What are your thoughts about…
14:20:16 yourself as a mom.
14:20:18 Pray. Ask God to reveal.
14:20:21 Where shame might be isolating you.
14:20:28 And release those areas to God.
14:20:35 If you want help in this, reach out, schedule a right fit call. Coaching can absolutely
14:20:42 help you.
14:20:44 In this area.
14:20:49 It helped me tremendously.
14:20:52 And…
14:20:55 Continue listening.
14:20:56 I'm… I… I want to speak truth with love.
14:21:03 into the lives of those that listen.
14:21:06 So that they experience transformation.
14:21:10 Practice renewing your mind.
14:21:12 being transformed.
14:21:17 Just remember that guilt addresses actions.
14:21:21 Shame attacks identity.
14:21:24 fear turns guilt into shame.
14:21:28 And shame is not from God.
14:21:31 Romans 828 declares ongoing redemption. He is working all things together for those… for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
14:21:40 Love restores your relationship.
14:21:43 your relationship with God, your relationship with yourself, your relationship with other people.
14:21:52 This one is kind of… it's… it feels a little bit heavy, and also it is… there is so…
14:21:59 much freedom available here.
14:22:01 so much freedom.
14:22:05 encourage you to spend some time journaling,
14:22:10 to get that awareness.
14:22:13 Take it to God. Surrender it.
14:22:18 And walk in the freedom that he already paid for.
14:22:26 And remember that life coaching is life-changing, one renewed thought at a time.
14:22:33 Thank you so much for being here.
