How to Experience Deeper Connection in Relationships as a Christian Woman
The Christian Life Coach Podcast, Episode 54
Many women feel disconnected in their relationships even when they are surrounded by people. This post explores what actually creates deeper connection and why emotional maturity and identity matter more than communication techniques.
Identity Comes Before Connection
When identity is unclear, relationships become a place to seek worth and stability. Rooted identity allows relationships to be a place of love, not validation.
Fear Blocks Intimacy
Fear of conflict, rejection, or disappointment leads to avoidance and resentment. True connection requires courage.
Emotional Responsibility Creates Safety
Owning your emotions and allowing others to own theirs creates emotional steadiness and trust.
Presence Builds Connection
Listening, curiosity, and silence create more closeness than fixing or explaining.
Guilt and Shame Damage Relationships
Shame causes hiding and performance. Grace invites honesty and restoration.
What Deeper Connection Looks Like
Saying hard things calmly
Allowing disappointment
Staying present in discomfort
Asking directly for what you need
Conclusion
You don’t need to change other people to experience deeper connection. Change how you show up. Stay rooted. Trust God with the outcome.
Watch Here
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13:29:56 Welcome to the Christian Life Coach Podcast. I'm Shanna, your Christian life coach. I hope women who feel overwhelmed, stretched, thin, or stuck in patterns that don't match the life God created them for.
13:30:08 If you've ever felt that quiet tug, that sense that you were made for more than how you're living right now, that's not your imagination.
13:30:17 That's your spirit craving alignment.
13:30:20 peace and purpose.
13:30:22 Here, we start with identity.
13:30:24 Because when you know who you are in Christ, you finally know how to show up.
13:30:29 We talk renewed thoughts, simple habits, emotional resilience, and sustainable rhythms,
13:30:36 That help you stop striving,
13:30:39 To survive on scraps and start living with intention and courage.
13:30:43 Jesus said, you are salt, and you are light.
13:30:47 That means you were created to live differently and shine from the inside out.
13:30:52 If you're ready to grow, to simplify, and to become the woman God designed you to be,
13:30:58 You're in the right place. Life coaching is life-changing, one renewed thought at a time.
13:31:04 Let's do this together.
13:31:11 Hello, and welcome!
13:31:15 to the final…
13:31:17 episode in our relationship series.
13:31:22 This time around, I imagine we'll be…
13:31:26 touching on relationships here and there as we go.
13:31:30 So, this year, 2026, in February,
13:31:36 We have been talking all about relationships,
13:31:41 And… most of it…
13:31:44 Honestly…
13:31:46 is about our relationship with ourself.
13:31:49 Because the relationship that we have with ourself…
13:31:55 really…
13:31:57 determines…
13:31:58 the level to which we can relate with other people.
13:32:03 So, we have talked a lot about that. We talked about…
13:32:10 Um, our beliefs…
13:32:12 about other people and how our thoughts about other people impact our relationship with them.
13:32:19 our relationship with ourself. Last week, we talked about guilt and shame, and really our…
13:32:27 our relationship with our past self, and how that influencers relationships.
13:32:32 And this week, we are going to talk about
13:32:37 how we can experience deeper connection.
13:32:42 in relationships.
13:32:47 For a lot of people,
13:32:52 connection feels…
13:32:54 Hard.
13:32:56 Many women feel lonely.
13:33:00 Even when they're surrounded by people.
13:33:06 disconnection shows up in marriages, in friendships, families, church.
13:33:13 children, adult children?
13:33:16 And…
13:33:18 We can even feel disconnected from God.
13:33:22 And… it's rarely… the problem is rarely.
13:33:27 A lack of effort, or a lack of love.
13:33:32 But it really comes down to how we…
13:33:35 are showing up emotionally.
13:33:40 Connection is not created.
13:33:41 By trying harder to be liked,
13:33:45 to be in a nicer person.
13:33:48 To be more likable.
13:33:50 Connection is created by being present.
13:33:55 honest and grounded.
13:33:58 Now, you may…
13:34:01 You may already be able to tell this, but this episode isn't about…
13:34:05 communication tricks and tips.
13:34:08 It's about becoming…
13:34:11 a woman who can create safety,
13:34:17 And closeness.
13:34:22 identity, our own identity,
13:34:27 has to be established before we can truly connect with other people.
13:34:32 If you're not sure who you are…
13:34:35 If you're not confident,
13:34:39 in who you are.
13:34:42 Your relationships become a place.
13:34:46 Where you seek out your identity, where you seek
13:34:50 stability.
13:34:53 And that can look like…
13:34:58 approval-seeking…
13:35:00 over-functioning in relationships.
13:35:02 fear of conflict.
13:35:04 Fear of being misunderstood or rejected.
13:35:09 And we cannot experience true connection
13:35:14 If we're abandoning ourself,
13:35:16 to keep a relationship intact.
13:35:22 Your identity is not something that you perform for.
13:35:27 or earn.
13:35:29 It is received.
13:35:32 You already have it.
13:35:35 When identity is rooted in Christ, then relationships stop being the place.
13:35:41 that we go to prove our worth.
13:35:45 We love others best when we are not…
13:35:51 expecting them to complete us.
13:35:53 that whole movie scene.
13:35:58 in… oh my goodness, I just lost the name of the movie.
13:36:03 You complete me.
13:36:05 And all of our hearts were a-flutter.
13:36:09 And it's not even true.
13:36:13 Jerry Maguire.
13:36:15 pop back in. No.
13:36:18 She… does not complete him.
13:36:22 That is… that is not true.
13:36:25 That is misleading.
13:36:30 Fear is our greatest block to connection.
13:36:36 Fear can sound like…
13:36:38 I don't want to hurt them.
13:36:40 if I… if I'm honest, if I say I don't want to go…
13:36:46 It could hurt them. I don't want to hurt them.
13:36:49 I don't want to cause conflict.
13:36:53 I don't want to argue about it. I don't want conflict.
13:36:56 I don't want to be rejected.
13:36:59 I don't want to put my true self out there. I don't want to put my thoughts out there because I might be rejected.
13:37:05 I don't want to rock the boat. I just want to keep things steady.
13:37:11 And those fear-driven…
13:37:15 Our fear-driven behaviors create avoidance,
13:37:19 They create resentment.
13:37:22 They create emotional distance and superficial peace.
13:37:29 Peace cannot be a result of fear.
13:37:35 Peace kept through fear is not connection, it's just silence.
13:37:42 And you can go back, I talked about this in the…
13:37:48 In episode 50, I believe, called Speak Up.
13:37:56 perfect love casts out fear.
13:38:00 And not just fear of danger.
13:38:03 Not fear of physical harm, but fear of disapproval.
13:38:06 Fear of rejection.
13:38:10 Fear of conflict.
13:38:13 Love requires courage.
13:38:17 And we cannot have love… we cannot have connection, true connection, without love.
13:38:28 And to…
13:38:32 avoid being driven by fear.
13:38:39 requires emotional…
13:38:42 responsibility.
13:38:44 creating emotional safety.
13:38:48 for ourselves.
13:38:53 It's emotional maturity.
13:38:57 I own my own emotions.
13:39:02 I don't make others responsible for how I feel.
13:39:09 I'm not abdicating.
13:39:11 my emotional well-being.
13:39:14 to somebody else.
13:39:18 And this is emotional responsibility. I own my own emotions.
13:39:23 I do not hold other people responsible for how I feel.
13:39:28 And…
13:39:31 I can allow others, I do.
13:39:34 Allow others to have their emotions,
13:39:37 without the need to fix or manage them myself.
13:39:42 If I…
13:39:44 am taking responsibility for my own emotions.
13:39:49 then I will allow other people…
13:39:51 To take responsibility for their emotions.
13:39:55 Whether they want that responsibility or not.
13:39:58 I'm giving it up.
13:40:04 And when we are not in this…
13:40:09 emotional… emotionally responsible place.
13:40:14 We use language like…
13:40:17 You make me feel…
13:40:20 You hurt my feelings. You make me angry.
13:40:25 You make me so mad.
13:40:27 Oh, you make me sad.
13:40:30 We're emotionally reactive.
13:40:34 We… we aren't…
13:40:36 thermometers setting the temp… or we're not…
13:40:40 thermostats, setting the temperature,
13:40:44 Where thermometers reading the temperature and reacting
13:40:47 to the emotional temperature of the room.
13:40:51 We're reactive.
13:40:53 We're walking on eggshells.
13:40:55 To avoid…
13:40:57 causing any problems.
13:40:59 Having to deal with other people's negative emotions.
13:41:03 We get into power struggles.
13:41:10 responsibility, emotional responsibility, in practice.
13:41:14 can sound like…
13:41:18 I feel hurt, and I want to talk about it.
13:41:23 I feel hurt because…
13:41:27 I think that…
13:41:30 I'm uncomfortable.
13:41:33 And I can stay present.
13:41:37 I can tolerate disagreement.
13:41:40 Without disconnecting.
13:41:47 the most connecting people are emotionally steady,
13:41:51 but not perfect.
13:41:54 They're stable. You feel safe with them.
13:41:57 You trust them with your emotions?
13:42:00 And you can be that, too.
13:42:07 When we want to build connection,
13:42:11 Often, we try to connect by…
13:42:13 Giving advice.
13:42:16 Fixing other people's problems or emotions, explaining…
13:42:22 over-explaining.
13:42:24 Defending.
13:42:26 Over-talking.
13:42:30 And what builds connection more than that?
13:42:34 is… presence.
13:42:40 Just being present.
13:42:43 Listening without correcting.
13:42:46 Staying curious.
13:42:48 allowing for silence.
13:42:52 What? That can be so uncomfortable!
13:42:58 I can be uncomfortable.
13:43:00 and present, and allow silence.
13:43:03 Give other people space.
13:43:06 to process.
13:43:10 You can validate without agreeing.
13:43:14 You don't have to agree, but we can validate.
13:43:17 Through curiosity,
13:43:20 I can see how you might think that.
13:43:25 Jesus was a perfect model of this.
13:43:28 connection through presence. He asked questions.
13:43:32 Even though he already knew the answer.
13:43:35 He stayed with people in discomfort.
13:43:39 He didn't rush emotional processes.
13:43:43 He allowed the young, rich…
13:43:45 The young, rich ruler.
13:43:50 To be uncomfortable.
13:43:52 Can't try to fix it, he said.
13:43:55 This is the truth. This is the way. This is what it's gonna take.
13:44:00 And he allowed the emotional rule… the emotional…
13:44:05 The rich young ruler…
13:44:08 to be uncomfortable.
13:44:10 And to make his choice.
13:44:14 And Jesus loved him.
13:44:17 He was available.
13:44:19 We don't need to solve people.
13:44:22 To love them, we can love people without…
13:44:26 Feeling responsible to solve
13:44:31 their problems for them, to solve their emotional for them.
13:44:38 Guilt and shame. Oh my goodness.
13:44:41 Silent connection killers.
13:44:43 And I talked a lot about this on the previous episode.
13:44:48 And remember, guilt…
13:44:51 is… I did something wrong.
13:44:54 I made a mistake.
13:44:58 Shame says, I am a mistake.
13:45:05 identifies as being…
13:45:07 There's something wrong with me.
13:45:12 Shame impacts relationships in that…
13:45:15 Shame leads us to hide.
13:45:19 to isolate.
13:45:21 to over-apologize, over-explain,
13:45:24 withdraw…
13:45:26 And to perform,
13:45:28 Instead of B.
13:45:31 We… we put on the mask.
13:45:38 And remember that…
13:45:43 Roman says, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
13:45:48 There's no place for shame.
13:45:51 go back and listen to the previous episode.
13:45:54 Shame keeps us from being seen.
13:45:57 We wear the mask. Grace invites us to show up honestly.
13:46:05 And just remember, Romans 8.28, God
13:46:08 God will redeem.
13:46:12 All of the mistakes that we make,
13:46:18 He is in the process of redeeming all of it.
13:46:24 He is not condemning you.
13:46:31 So, you…
13:46:33 can lay down that mantle of condemnation on yourself.
13:46:41 So what does it look like to have…
13:46:45 a connection, a real connection.
13:46:49 It looks like being able to say hard things…
13:46:53 Calmly.
13:46:55 It looks like allowing someone else to be disappointed.
13:47:03 And staying present.
13:47:05 Even in that discomfort.
13:47:08 You… you will feel…
13:47:10 uncomfortable.
13:47:13 When you have to say something hard.
13:47:15 You will feel uncomfortable.
13:47:18 When?
13:47:19 Somebody is disappointed.
13:47:24 with you, with something you said, whatever.
13:47:28 You will be… it'll be uncomfortable. And…
13:47:32 When we are seeking connection,
13:47:35 You can stay present with that.
13:47:40 Deeper connection looks like.
13:47:43 asking directly for what you want.
13:47:46 Speak up.
13:47:48 If there's something that you want, if there's something that you need,
13:47:53 You can't do that unless there's connection, and also doing that creates connection.
13:48:01 And one of the most important things is allowing other people to be responsible for themselves.
13:48:08 I think I might have said it in last week's episode. There is 3 kinds of business. This is from Byron Katie.
13:48:14 There's God's business,
13:48:16 There's other people's business, and there is my business.
13:48:20 When I stay out of God's business,
13:48:23 And when I stay out of other people's business,
13:48:26 I can focus on my own business.
13:48:29 This does not always feel easy.
13:48:34 But when we are doing this with intention, it feels clean.
13:48:40 honest, and it is peaceful.
13:48:43 it brings true peace.
13:48:53 Now, you can think about…
13:48:58 A couple relationships in your life. A relationship that you would like to create more…
13:49:04 connection, more honest connection.
13:49:06 And ask yourself, where am I avoiding honesty?
13:49:11 To avoid discomfort.
13:49:17 Who do I feel disconnected from?
13:49:20 And what have I not said?
13:49:24 What?
13:49:26 What is my silence?
13:49:30 Hiding.
13:49:33 And it's probably from a place of protection. Fear.
13:49:38 Where am I asking someone else to give me something that only God can give me?
13:49:46 Usually something about your identity.
13:49:50 What would change if I stayed rooted instead of reactive?
13:49:57 Start with one relationship.
13:50:00 One conversation, one honest moment, one step towards true connection.
13:50:12 Now, you…
13:50:14 You do not need to go find out… find new people for your life. You do not need better people to experience deeper connection.
13:50:22 You need to stop abandoning yourself.
13:50:25 To show up with the people in your life?
13:50:28 As your true self.
13:50:30 When you know who you are, and trust God with the outcome,
13:50:35 Connection will grow naturally.
13:50:42 If this is an area, and this is an area for so many people,
13:50:47 We live… we live isolate… isolated lives surrounded by people.
13:50:56 If this is something that you…
13:50:59 Want help with?
13:51:02 please schedule a right fit call, and we can talk about how life coaching can help you with this.
13:51:09 Because I promise you,
13:51:12 having better relationships is not about changing other people.
13:51:17 It's changing…
13:51:21 the internal…
13:51:23 state…
13:51:25 for yourself.
13:51:28 That's where it starts.
13:51:34 There's a link in the show notes to schedule a RightVit call, if that's something that you're interested in.
13:51:42 And… I'll have these journal prompts that I mentioned in the show notes.
13:51:50 I would love to hear from you. If this is helpful, please like, subscribe, rate, review.
13:51:57 Share it with your friends, I would be so appreciative.
13:52:02 And remember that life coaching is life-changing.
13:52:07 One renewed thought at a time.
13:52:09 Thank you so much for being here.
