What Else Is True?
The Christian Life Coach Podcast Episode 83
What if the painful thought you've been rehearsing isn't the only way to think about your circumstances?
In episode 83 of The Christian Life Coach Podcast, I'm talking about the difference between the thoughts that automatically pop into our minds and the thoughts we continue choosing to believe and rehearse.
I'm also sharing what happened when my husband planned a Hawaiian vacation after I told him to make whatever plans he wanted. I was resentful, irritated, and dreading the trip. And my thinking was affecting how I treated him.
I'll walk you through my unintentional and intentional Creation Cycles, what changed, and how I began enjoying the very vacation I'd been resisting.
We also explore self-leadership, renewing your mind according to God's Word, and how to examine painful stories without denying difficult circumstances or genuine grief.
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What if that painful thought that you've been thinking is optional? What if the way?
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that you've been thinking about a situation isn't the only way to think about it.
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What if there are other things that are also true?
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But you haven't been considering them because you're so committed to the story you've been telling yourself.
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And what if that story is influencing your feelings, your actions, your relationships, and ultimately, the experience you're having in your own life?
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That's what we're talking about on this episode of the Christian Life Coach Podcast. Welcome. I'm Shanna, your Christian Life Coach.
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Now.
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I am in Hawaii! What! So if you're watching on video, I am standing up, I am in my hotel room, I am…
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My husband and I had…
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a crazy, um, a crazy adventure this morning. We, um, it was not anticipated, but…
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needless to say, here I am, I am recording this episode so that it can come out for you today, which is Wednesday, October… I don't even know. 21st, maybe? Something like that.
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So.
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I want to clarify a little bit.
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about what I mean. So, when we are thinking about a circumstance, the first thought that we think.
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might not be optional, because thoughts just pop into our heads. Something happens, we have an immediate thought, so that first thought is not what I'm talking about.
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That just pop… thoughts pop in our head all day long, and sometimes they're just from habits that we've been thinking.
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that we've developed over the years.
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And whatever. So I'm not talking about that first thought, because.
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The first thought pops in, and that might not be optional.
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But whether or not we continue to agree with that thought, believe that thought, think that thought on purpose, build a story around that thought, that, my friend, is.
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optional.
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And sometimes, even after recognizing that a thought or a story that we're telling isn't helping us, we continue to think it anyway.
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Why?
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because it's familiar. because we have evidence for it. because we might just feel justified in the story that we're telling.
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Because we've been thinking that way for so long that considering another perspective feels difficult, uncomfortable, or even wrong.
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So today.
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I want to invite you to consider.
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That some of the thoughts that you've been holding tightly.
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Onto might not be the only way to think about your circumstances or your situation or your relationship. So we're going to talk about why we hold on to painful stories.
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How self leadership helps us to interpret those patterns and what it looks like to intentionally renew your mind.
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And I'm going to share a very recent example from my own life.
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that…
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To be honest, it's not very flattering.
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This this trip to Hawaii.
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I was thinking the way that I was thinking about it was creating.
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a negative experience of it before I even got here.
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So we'll, we'll get to that later.
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I want to talk about the difference between what happens in our lives and what we think about what happens. So, thoughts…
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are not facts.
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We have, there are circumstances.
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There are things that happen.
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Those are the facts of what happened. A circumstance is the facts. Only the facts, no interpretation, no descriptive language, no adjectives, only facts. What can be.
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What could be corroborated in a court of law? Just the facts, please, and thank you. So the circumstance is just the facts.
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Our thoughts are how we interpret those facts, that circumstance, that situation. And often, the way that we think about it.
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is what we're making. What does that circumstance mean about me?
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What does that mean about me? What does it mean about other people? What does it mean about my past? What does it mean about my relationships or my future?
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We can be so accustomed to an interpretation of a circumstance that we stop recognizing it as an interpretation. We simply believe that's just how it is, and we believe that our interpretation.
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is the facts.
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So just a super simple illustration of this is you text somebody.
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And they don't respond.
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So that's the circumstance. I sent a text message to so-and-so.
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So and so has not responded.
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That's the circumstance.
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But…
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What you might think about it is she's ignoring me. She doesn't care about me. I knew I didn't matter to her. Maybe I did something wrong. She must be upset with me. We can think of all kinds of interpretations for the circumstance.
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And depending on which one we believe to be true, we're likely to have a different emotional experience. We're going to have a different emotional experience.
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But what do we know?
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We know I sent a text message. She hasn't responded. That's all we know. We don't know why. She might be busy.
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She might be struggling. She may have forgotten.
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Maybe her phone died. Maybe she hasn't seen the text yet. And also, maybe she's upset.
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Maybe you did do something wrong.
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And we don't have to pretend that every explanation is…
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equally as likely, but we can recognize.
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When we're treating an assumption as an established fact.
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And this is important when we're interpreting other people's motives.
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We don't know what other people are thinking.
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But we can absolutely become convinced that we do know what other people are thinking. We start responding to people.
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I mean, you've had this happen. You've had people do this to you, and you've done it to other people. I've done it to other people. Other people have done it to me. We start responding not to what they did.
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but to what we believe their behavior means, what we believe they were thinking when they did the thing, or said the thing. And then we begin collecting evidence. We remember other things they've done, we connect past experiences, we rehearse.
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Conversations. Anybody else?
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And before long, we have an entire story. And that story might be creating a tremendous amount of pain.
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And not for them.
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For me.
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The story that I'm telling…
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is creating pain for me.
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the story that you're telling.
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is creating pain for you.
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Just because you have evidence to support your interpretation does not mean that's the only interpretation that could be true.
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That doesn't mean that this this does not mean.
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Ignoring genuine mistreatment, denying patterns of behavior, or dismissing legitimate concerns. That is not what I'm talking about here. Sometimes the evidence does tell us something important, and we need to respond accordingly. Absolutely.
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But we still benefit from separating what we know from what we're assuming.
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And sometimes, we recognize that our thinking is creating a painful experience, and we still don't want to think differently.
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What?
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Why do we hold so tightly to these painful stories?
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Think about a story you've been telling yourself for a long time, or maybe not even a long time, but you've been telling it often.
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Maybe it's about a relationship, maybe it's about something that has happened, maybe it's about who you believe yourself to be, maybe it's about what you believe you're capable of.
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And some examples might be, I never follow through. You might have a whole story around why you never follow through and how you can't follow through. It's never going to happen. Maybe it's nobody appreciates me.
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Maybe it's things never work out for me.
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Maybe it's I'm always the one that has to make the effort.
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I'll never be able to change. I'm just not that kind of person.
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And when we've practiced these thoughts and these stories, either for a long time.
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or they have a really big emotional charge to them.
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Then we have an abundance of evidence to support them. We can tell you exactly why this is true.
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And when someone offers another perspective, what do we do?
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We argue for the original thought. We explain all the reasons that it's really true.
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We pull out more evidence. We defend the very story that is creating pain for us.
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Sometimes, we become more committed to proving our interpretation than to considering whether there is another interpretation that could serve us better.
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We might totally be closed off to that possibility even.
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And not necessarily because we consciously want to suffer.
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But because what we've practiced feels familiar.
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Maybe this is all we believe.
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that we get.
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Maybe we believe that this is just our lot in life.
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And questioning something we've believed for years takes effort.
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It might require us to acknowledge that we don't know everything we thought we knew. It might require that we consider that we reconsider what we've made someone else's behavior mean about us.
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It might require us to take responsibility for something we would rather blame on our circumstances. And that can be uncomfortable.
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And being willing to question your interpretation does not mean you're saying what happened was okay. It doesn't mean that you're that you are agreeing with what happened. It's just acknowledging.
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These are the facts. You can acknowledge that someone… that something hurt you. You can recognize that you were disappointed by something. You can grieve a relationship that isn't what you wish it was.
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And you can still examine what you're making those circumstances mean.
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You don't have to choose between acknowledging your pain and renewing your mind. You can acknowledge.
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Your pain.
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And you can renew your mind. Both can happen.
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So a few questions I have for you.
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Is there a story you've been telling yourself that you're very committed to believing?
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Do you find yourself gathering evidence to support it?
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Even if it's painful to you.
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When another perspective is offered, are you curious about it?
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Or do you immediately explain why that couldn't possibly be true?
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Is the way you're thinking about this situation helping you move forward, or is it keeping you stuck?
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Now, this is where I want to introduce the concept of.
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Self leadership. This is choosing.
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to do the work.
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And for the purposes of this conversation.
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I'm talking about self leadership as the willingness to intentionally direct ourselves.
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Rather than automatically following whatever thought, feeling, or impulse happens to be present.
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It's recognizing that we can experience a thought or an emotion without allowing it to determine everything we do next.
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It might be noticing that first thought.
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and deciding not to… not to believe it, not to weave that first thought into a whole story. It might be to question it.
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And it's, it's um.
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It's taking responsibility for the part that we can influence. It's taking responsibility for what is in my control for the impact that I can have and what is under my influence.
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And awareness, so…
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Self-leadership requires awareness, but awareness is not the action of self-leadership. We can recognize that we're thinking unhelpful thoughts. We can understand how the creation cycle works.
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We can know that renewing our minds is important, and we can still choose to rehearse the same story.
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Awareness gives us the opportunity.
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Self-leadership is what we practice when we decide to do something with that awareness.
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Sometimes that looks like stopping ourselves in the middle of a familiar thought pattern. Often that's what it looks like.
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Sometimes, often, it means asking questions we would rather avoid answering.
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It means admitting.
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that the way we're responding is not how we want to show up.
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And sometimes it means choosing different actions before our feelings have caught up to us.
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There are times, there are times.
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Oftentimes, when…
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We would rather indulge in these thought patterns, in this old story. We want to keep thinking about how unfair something is. We want to rehearse what that thing that that person said. We want to imagine the conversation that we wish that we had had.
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We want to think about all the ways things should have been different. And sometimes, we don't particularly want someone offering us another perspective.
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We want to stick with the story that we've been telling.
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And I think it's important to be willing to acknowledge that without judgment. No, not to condemn yourself, but to recognize that renewing our minds requires intentional participation.
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Ongoing. Ongoing. Intentional participation, ongoing. Intentional, ongoing participation, right?
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So, self-leadership isn't about controlling everything that happens. We can't control other people. We cannot control the circumstances out in the world, right?
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We can't control our first thought even, or the feelings that that first thought evokes.
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But we can practice recognizing what is happening internally.
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and deciding how we want to respond. We can ask, is this how I want to continue thinking about this?
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Is this how I want to show up?
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What would it look like to lead myself rather than simply following this familiar pattern?
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Remember, Romans 12 2 says, do not be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
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Renewing our mind is part of the Christian life.
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It's taking thoughts captive.
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It's thinking on what is true and pure and lovely and noble and praiseworthy and honorable.
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It's not simply about having a better attitude. It's not buck up. It's not suck it up.
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It's changing the way that we think about things. It's learning to think in alignment with what God says.
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And allowing the renewed thinking to influence how we live.
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We have biblical encouragement to be intentional about what we give our attention to.
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about how we tell stories.
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If even only to ourselves.
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And remember that self-leadership is not self-condemnation.
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It's not about beating ourselves up because we're struggling, and it isn't demanding that we instantly feel differently.
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Sometimes self-leadership means acknowledging that we're grieving, acknowledging that we're disappointed or afraid, and choosing to respond to ourselves with compassion.
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And awareness.
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Sometimes it means seeking out support.
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Maybe talking to a trusted friend that's going to speak truth into your life, or hiring a coach, or maybe going to therapy.
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It's recognizing that we've been indulging in a painful thought pattern.
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And deciding we're ready to do something different.
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And I want to show you.
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Oh, my goodness.
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What this looks like for me.
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Recently, because.
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I had a really, like, a very real opportunity to practice what I teach, or what I preach.
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Um, so…
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Oh, my goodness. This is literally…
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In real time, okay? So, my husband had been wanting to plan a vacation for a long time.
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We wanted to go to, like, an all-inclusive Mexican resort or something like that, and my passport…
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Was expired and…
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You know, yada, yada, yada. Anyway.
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what it came down to was my husband started talking about different places that he was considering going without me needing a passport, and I said.
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Jeremy.
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You make the plans. Whatever you want to do is fine with me. Whatever you want to do.
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And he did.
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He planned a trip.
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to Maui, which is where I am right now, in a corner room. I look out this window, I see the ocean. I look out that window, I see the ocean. I'm in Maui, for crying out loud. We've never been to Hawaii.
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And for years, and even recently when he was talking about where he was considering.
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My…
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What I have always said is I have no desire to go to Hawaii. I don't know why. I know it's crazy. I know that everybody else wants to go to Hawaii and loves Hawaii for whatever reason, and I've never really examined it.
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I've just never really had a desire to come to Hawaii. I've said it over and over again.
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And it's it's just a thought that I have said to myself and out loud that I just have believed. You know, it was just kind of a fact of my life. I don't really have a desire to go to Hawaii. And when Jeremy planned this trip.
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And booked this trip to Maui.
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I just started thinking about how much I don't want to go.
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He knew I had no desire to go to Hawaii. Why would he book a trip to Hawaii?
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And so I want to walk you through.
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My creation cycle… and I'm just being… I'm being honest in real time here, okay?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:29:57
And I didn't. So we got here.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:30:02
Um, Sunday.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:30:05
And it was in the after I went to bed Sunday night.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:30:10
I was thinking… I was doing this in my mind, and then Monday morning, when I got up, I was doing some journaling, and I actually wrote out my creation cycles.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:30:20
So my unintentional creation cycle, my automatic default creation cycle.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:30:26
The circumstance…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:30:29
was, is, my husband planned a Hawaiian vacation.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:30:34
After I told him to make whatever plans he wanted. That was a fact because I told him.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:30:42
You make whatever plans you want, and it'll be perfectly fine with me.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:30:48
So he made the plans. My thought after he made these plans was, I have always said I had no desire to go to Hawaii.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:30:58
And I've been saying it for years, right?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:31:01
And I wasn't necessarily evaluating this opportunity, this trip in front of me. I was just rehearsing the old ways that I've always thought about Hawaii. I just have no desire to go.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:31:14
And my feelings were resentment, irritation, and dread.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:31:21
About coming to Hawaii.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:31:24
Come on, it doesn't get more real than this. I was not feeling excited about coming on vacation.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:31:30
I was feeling resentful about a vacation that my husband had planned.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:31:35
After I gave him permission to make plans.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:31:39
He planned everything.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:31:42
So.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:31:44
circumstance, my husband made these plans. My thought was, I've never had a desire to go to Hawaii. I'm feeling resentful, dread, irritated. The actions that I was taking from those emotions were, I avoided planning for this trip.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:31:57
I avoided shopping and preparing for this trip. I ruminated and I talked about how much I did not want to go.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:32:05
I thought about all the other things that I would have rather done.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:32:09
I talked about how annoyed I was.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:32:13
about coming to Hawaii.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:32:16
I did not look forward to coming on this vacation.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:32:20
And I was rude to Jeremy about it.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:32:23
The way that I talked to him, the way that I talked about the vacation, and especially on Sunday during our travel to Hawaii.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:32:40
And I was not…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:32:43
Simply having thoughts that I didn't like. Those thoughts were influencing how I was behaving.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:32:51
And my behavior was not only impacting me.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:32:55
It was impacting my family. It was impacting my husband.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:33:02
And so what kind of creation, what kind of vacation was I creating for myself?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:33:09
I was creating an experience of resentment, irritation, and dread. I wasn't looking for things to enjoy.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:33:15
I was looking for reasons to support my belief that I didn't want to be here.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:33:21
And I was bringing that attitude into my relationship with my husband.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:33:26
I was doing an excellent job of creating the very experience that I did not want.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:33:35
And I'm just being honest here.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:33:39
Where are you seeing yourself in this?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:33:43
Okay.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:33:43
So like I said, I went to bed Sunday night. I was very tired. I got, I was very hungry before we finally got food. I was very cranky about everything.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:33:59
And when I laid down, I recognized that I was believing the thought.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:34:06
that I never wanted to come to Hawaii, and I was allowing that to impact.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:34:13
Everything.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:34:15
I was continuing to rehearse a thought that was not…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:34:19
helping me at all.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:34:22
And I had a decision to make. I could continue thinking this way. I could continue thinking about how much I did not want to be in Hawaii. I would rather be somewhere else. I could keep collecting evidence. I could keep being resentful. Or I could intentionally examine my thinking. I could lead.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:34:41
Myself.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:34:42
Not because I suddenly had to decide that Hawaii was my dream vacation destination.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:34:48
But because I could recognize the way that I was thinking wasn't the only way to think about it. And it was hurting me, and it was hurting my husband.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:00
So my intentional creation cycle.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:04
Let's turn this around a little bit.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:07
Same circumstance. Jeremy planned a vacation to Maui.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:12
After I told him to make whatever plans he wanted.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:16
Circumstance doesn't change. Circumstance is exactly the same.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:20
But my new thought, and this is how I wrote it in my creation cycle, my new thought is, I get to be in Hawaii.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:28
And here's something that is, I mean, it makes the whole thing even a little bit more.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:34
I don't know. Interesting. Crazy. Thought provoking. I don't know. The ocean is literally my favorite place in the world.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:44
I love being at the ocean.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:46
I love tropical locations.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:49
So…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:51
There's that.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:52
But I was so committed to my story about not wanting to come to Hawaii that I did not even consider it.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:35:58
I was overlooking something that was also true. I love being at the ocean.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:36:06
I love tropical vacations.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:36:09
And so when I'm thinking, I get to be in Hawaii.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:36:14
I felt gratitude.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:36:17
Curiosity, interest, excitement.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:36:22
And the actions that I took from those emotions. I am enjoying the beauty around me. It is insane. I saw.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:36:31
Like, I want to cry. I saw the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen in my life.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:36:37
I could actually see all of the colors. I could see the blue, the indigo, and the violet in this rainbow.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:36:47
The ocean.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:36:49
We had…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:36:50
Well, there's another one down there right now, but yesterday there was a seal. They come up and they nap on the beach for, like, 12 to 18 hours.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:37:00
That happened yesterday, it was a female seal. Right now, there's a male seal down there on the beach napping, and somebody comes, a volunteer comes, and cordons off the seal, and just…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:37:11
Protects it during its rest. It's amazing.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:37:16
Other actions I've taken, looking for things to do while we're here. I have been allowing myself to enjoy.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:37:25
our time here in Maui.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:37:27
And I am enjoying the fact that Jeremy gets to be on vacation and enjoy himself. He gets to enjoy the pool.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:37:36
We have been snorkeling a little bit.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:37:39
I'm looking forward to exploring.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:37:43
I am thinking much better thoughts about the whole experience. I am being…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:37:52
Way kinder to my husband.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:37:55
And I'm actually enjoying Hawaii.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:38:01
I'm experiencing the beauty of it. I'm participating in the trip rather than resisting it.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:38:06
I'm enjoying time with my husband.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:38:11
So what actually changed? The destination didn't change. He didn't make different plans. Hawaii didn't suddenly become Cabo San Lucas.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:38:20
What changed was the way I was thinking about being here. And that influenced my feelings, and my feelings drove my actions and the experience that I have been creating.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:38:36
So three lessons from this story.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:38:39
Number one, I did not have to stop believing my original preference.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:38:44
I can still say Hawaii is not at the top of my vacation list. I can acknowledge I would have chosen somewhere else. I also should have renewed my passport sooner.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:38:55
But that doesn't have to be the only thing I think about on this vacation.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:39:01
I can also recognize that I love the ocean, that Hawaii is insanely beautiful, and that I have an opportunity to enjoy time with my husband. Both things can be true.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:39:14
Lesson number two, I was so committed to what I'd always said that I wasn't considering what was also available to me.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:39:24
Sometimes we hold so tightly to an old belief simply because we've believed it for a long time. We don't even stop to ask whether we still want to think that way.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:39:35
or whether there might be something else worth considering.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:39:39
Lesson three, my thinking was affecting how I treated someone I love.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:39:46
My thoughts weren't just making me miserable. They were influencing the way that I was treating my husband.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:39:53
And when I changed my thinking, I had the opportunity to show up differently in my relationship with him.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:40:01
Renewing our minds isn't only about improving our own emotional experience. It also affects how we interact with the people around us. It impacts how we show up in our lives, in our relationships.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:40:16
So now I recognize that a vacation to Hawaii is very different from some of the truly painful circumstances that we experience in life. And I want to address that.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:40:30
Sometimes we're dealing with circumstances that are far more difficult than an unwanted vacation destination. I get that. I'm not somebody that vacations a lot.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:40:39
Hear me when I say that.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:40:41
It might be a medical diagnosis or a strained or estranged relationship, a marriage that isn't what we hoped it would be, a loss, a financial hardship.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:40:52
a situation that we didn't choose and that we cannot simply change.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:40:58
I don't want you to hear my Hawaii story and conclude that I'm suggesting you can just think a happier thought and make everything better. That is not what I'm teaching at all.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:41:10
Changing our thinking doesn't change our circumstances.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:41:14
There are circumstances we cannot control. There are relationships we cannot fix by ourselves. There are losses that we cannot undo. And there are things that happen that are genuinely hurtful.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:41:29
Renewing our minds doesn't require that we deny any of that.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:41:33
But even in difficult circumstances, we can begin examining the interpretations we're making.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:41:45
And I just… I just want to remind all of us. And again, I… I realize that the vacation story.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:41:53
is, you know, a little…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:41:58
Whatever.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:42:02
But it was a great example of my unintentional creation cycle and the intentional creation cycle. It had nothing to do with Hawaii. It was the way that I was thinking, how it had an impact, and how changing my thinking completely.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:42:17
changed the impact.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:42:19
And I just want to remind us all that Jesus tells his disciples that in this world, we will have trouble.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:42:26
And he says, take heart, I have overcome the world. We are not promised lives without difficulty.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:42:33
And we do not have to interpret difficulty as evidence that God has abandoned us. Our circumstances can remain difficult while our experience within those circumstances is transformed through renewed thinking.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:42:48
and our relationship with Christ.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:42:51
And the process isn't always quick.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:42:54
Some thought patterns are deeply established. Some circumstances involve trauma or grief or.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:01
Even ongoing harm.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:03
And again, sometimes we need to get support from trusted people or qualified professionals or both.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:10
And the invitation is not to rush ourselves into feeling better, it's to remain open to what is true.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:16
Even when circumstances are painful.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:20
So how do we actually begin doing this in our everyday life? And I know this is a long episode.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:27
And…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:27
Interesting that it's while I'm on vacation.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:32
Oh my goodness.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:34
So number one, notice what you're thinking. Before you can examine a thought, you have to recognize it. Sometimes we don't even notice what we're thinking. We just notice that we're irritated or resentful. We're anxious or discouraged or angry.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:49
And those feelings can become an invitation to get curious.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:52
What have I been thinking that's contributing to this experience?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:43:59
And it could be a handful of thoughts, maybe not one specific thought, but a handful of thoughts that are generating that emotional experience for you.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:44:10
And then number two is separate the circumstance from your interpretation. What are the facts?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:44:16
What actually happened on an absolutely factual level.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:44:23
And then what am I making it mean?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:44:28
So the fact was, Jeremy planned a vacation to Hawaii.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:44:32
My interpretation was…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:44:37
He doesn't care about what I think because he knows I don't want to go to Hawaii.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:44:42
And those are totally separate. So recognizing the difference between the fact.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:44:48
And what I'm making the fact mean.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:44:52
And then ask yourself whether the thought is true and helpful. Is the way that I'm thinking about this true? Is it helpful?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:02
What else is true?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:07
And is continuing to rehearse this thought, helping me live the way I want to live.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:16
And then…
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:18
Oh, okay. Oops. Step four is ask what else is true.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:23
What else is true? Not what can I pretend… not what can I pretend is true.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:27
Not what positive thought can I have about this situation, but what else is actually true in this situation? And in Hawaii, it was, I love the ocean.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:39
I love travel. I love being in beautiful places.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:43
My husband gets to enjoy a vacation that he planned.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:47
There are a lot of things here I can appreciate.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:50
I have an opportunity to enjoy this time. All of that is true.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:45:54
And it was also true that I have always said that I have no desire to go to Hawaii.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:46:01
And then practice self-leadership. And this is where we move from awareness into intentional action. Am I willing to think differently about this? Am I willing to stop rehearsing this story over and over and over? Am I willing to practice another perspective?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:46:19
Even if the old one feels more familiar, or maybe it even feels more true.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:46:24
And it's not necessarily easy.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:46:27
And we may need to direct ourselves. We are going to need… hear me when I say this, we are going to need to redirect ourselves repeatedly.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:46:38
And that is how we practice. We practice when we do something over and over and over again, and we strengthen that muscle.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:46:48
We don't have to wait until the new thought feels completely natural before we begin acting in alignment with it.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:46:59
And then consider what becomes possible. When I begin thinking differently, how might I feel? How might I show up differently? What actions might become available to me? What could I do that I wasn't willing to do before?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:47:14
And use the creation cycle to examine these possibilities. Sometimes the result is a different emotional experience, sometimes it's a different decision.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:47:25
Sometimes it's a healthier response in a relationship.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:47:28
And sometimes it's simply being able to experience a difficult circumstance with greater peace.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:47:36
And just remember, like I, like I have said repeatedly, this is an ongoing practice. We are practicing and getting better at it. It is not a one time event. You don't just decide to think differently, and all of a sudden you think differently.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:47:51
You have to keep reminding yourself. You catch yourself when that old thought or that old story comes in, and you remind yourself, that's not the story I'm telling anymore.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:48:01
And you practice telling the new story.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:48:06
So notice, question, consider what God says is true.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:48:11
Decide how you want to respond.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:48:21
So I want to leave you with something to consider. What is a thought or a story that you've been telling yourself for a long time?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:48:28
And maybe it's not about you, but maybe it is. Maybe it's about somebody that you love. Maybe it's about your past or something that you're facing right now.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:48:38
Maybe you've become so convinced that your interpretation is true that you haven't been willing to consider anything else.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:48:46
What if you loosened your grip on that story?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:48:51
Loosen it just enough to ask some questions. What actually happened?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:48:56
What am I making it mean?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:48:58
Is this the only way to think about it?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:02
What else is true?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:04
Is continuing to think this way helping me?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:09
How would I show up differently if I considered another perspective?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:18
And again, I just want to say, you may not have chosen the circumstance.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:22
And you're often not able to choose that first thought.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:28
You can't change what other people do, but you can begin practicing self leadership. You can learn to recognize your thoughts rather than automatically believing them.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:39
You can examine your interpretation in light of God's Word.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:43
You can become willing to consider what else is true.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:47
And you can participate intentionally in the renewing of your mind. And not because it's always easy.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:55
Not because it guarantees that circumstances will change.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:49:59
But because the way that you think influences the way you experience your life and the way that you show up.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:50:09
The thought might not have been optional when it first appeared, but continuing to rehearse it.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:50:14
is a choice that you can begin making differently.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:50:19
And perhaps today?
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:50:21
is a good day to begin.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:50:24
Thank you so much for being here.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:50:28
If I will have a download, if you go into the show notes and click on the podcast resources link, there will be a resource for you to walk through this process. So make sure that you grab that.
[Shanna Pyzer | shannapyzer.com] 15:50:44
And remember that life coaching is life-changing. One renewed thought at a time.
